first day of...

{the bacon-maker skipping off}

w o r k ! ! !

almost a year to the day since completing his MBA.

and let me tell you, 

we had no idea we would stay in the unemployment arena this long.

its been a long, slow, bumpy road.

literally, for the last year (plus the time in school), 

steve had opportunity after opportunity that kept us going each week.

for the last 10 months+ we kept thinking we were on the verge of something working out.

and then it wouldn't.

the branch would be dissolved, the employer would suffer an illness, the company would decide not to hire.  random.

throw in other expected/unexpected life stresses,

and its been a party!

often, we were left feeling confused.

but tried to be faithful.

we prayed more. 

studied more.

tried to be open and ready for any miracle.

but nothing happened when we thought we really needed it.

again, a little confused. 

but tried to be hopeful.

so we kept waiting.

and waiting.

i don't like waiting.

it's really hard to try and live life when your waiting.

and when your life depends on waiting.

and when 3 little lives with one more on the way are dependent on what you are waiting for.

scary.

but,

even in the midst of all of this waiting,

and confusion,

and questioning,

and anxiety, 

we've felt other feelings as well.

some are hard to explain in words.

some are feelings from the Spirit, specific edifiers to my faith and understanding.

some are changes in me, that only i can feel and see.

others too personal.

but my joy for my children, their health, and safety has been almost overwhelming.

my gratitude for my husband to go through these rough spots of life with has been the same.

my focuses in life have been refined, repeatedly.

i've found peace in the simpler things

and comfort in unexpected ways.

i have felt more compassion, understanding, and empathy for what families/individuals go through.

for others who are waiting;

waiting for something that is good/pure but is just not the right timing for some reason.

but most importantly, 

i've felt a greater reality of a loving Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.

They exist.

They are real.

They are there.

often times, we did not get answers to our prayers about jobs or what next steps to take.

but steve just kept taking any steps he could see.

my faith "muscles" literally felt tired at times.

and while i didn't get certain answers i wanted,

or the job just still didn't come,

i did have certain personal experiences. 

experiences where i just knew

that God was there

listening.

i've written a lot over the last few years in my personal/family journals,

and haven't wanted to write here. 

it just took too much effort...or something.

which i guess surprises me,

because i'm pretty much an open book.

or maybe its because i've been trying to process things as well.

probably both.

but i did want to share one personal, more recent, experience.

maybe it will be helpful to someone who is also playing the waiting game.

but i just have to make a quick disclaimer,

that i recognize that what we have experienced is definitely not the worst thing that could happen in life.

yes its been hard, but not the worst. 

i don't want it to seem that i am trumping up our family's challenges

or undermining another's greater personal challenge.

just want to be sensitive.

okay...

during this experience,

steve and i have joked about how one moment we would feel hopeful and energized 

and then the next we felt anxious and...etc!

seemed like when i was down, steve was up and vice versa.

every day has been an effort.

really not trying to complain.

just be real.

one day in particular last month was really difficult for me.

i was feeling really nervous about our temporal life.

after the kids were in bed,

steve and i just sat on the couch and talked.

i talked and talked.

at that moment, we were awaiting another response from another company.

and after the decision being dragged out for an additional 3 weeks+ because of internal changes they were making, we were just feeling the familiar anxiety pangs of waiting. again.

i was just letting it all out.

i was blubbering...is that descriptive enough?

but we were kind of laughing 

{you kind of have to do that when it gets too stressful, don't you think?}

and we kept joking how this company had no idea that our little family was in their hands.

they had no idea.

they had no idea how much we needed this position, or let alone any position!

i suddenly felt serious again and said in my tears, 

"they literally have no idea how much we need this stephen."

at that moment,

it was like there was a third party listening.

i heard a quiet, soft reply in my mind,

"But I do."

that's all i needed.

after all this time of waiting, 

not knowing,

not feeling answers to my prayers,

i felt it.

and i heard it.

He knew.

God knew.

this was my confirming answer.

i had been trying to exercise that faith that i believed He knew what was best for our family

but only really feeling it here and there.

just trying to have hope in that knowledge.

and it came.

at the right time.

and the right time just happened to be that night.

i do not doubt the existence of God, the Father

and His Son, Jesus Christ.

i do not doubt that through the medium of the Holy Ghost (the Spirit) we can receive comfort, peace, guidance, and answers directly from God, often in the form of a still, small voice, or a warm, peaceful feeling in our hearts and clarity in our minds (how i often feel the Spirit).

i believe in modern revelation, not only to a living prophet, but also to each of us individually as we seek to know Him and know His truths.

i believe there is a greater reason and purpose for opposition in life, for pain, for discouragement, for waiting.

i believe that all good things come from God.

i believe that God created this beautiful earth and created us in His image.

and because He created all of these perfectly organized, magnificent things, 

i know He is over all things.

which comforts me.

and leaves me feeling happy, 

hopeful (even when more challenges come, which i know they will) 

and in complete awe.

this is what i know to be true.

**back posting coming soon!